Looking For Your Good Man? Here's What To Expect ...
Looking for your perfect partner? Wistfully dreaming of your ideal mate? Trying to find the ultimate lover? Does your wildest fantasy include waking up to the same person every day for the rest of your life? I understand this longing, AND I understand how challenging this search is.
Trust me. I know the world we live in.
I get the difficulty of risking placing enough faith in humanity to try dating, or even to embark on exploring a relationship. I’ve listened to the myriad struggles of women of all ages who experience the frustration of trying to find the right masculine partner. I’ve experienced it myself.
While I can’t paint a Pollyana picture of partnership for you, what I can do is two things:
- Offer you a template for what the healthy masculine looks like in relationship
- Assure you that your good man is out there. I promise.
The problem isn’t men.
The problem is distorted masculinity and the troublesome ideas of the patriarchy. There are really good, thoughtful men (and people on the masculine polarity) who are both interested in cultivating healthy masculinity for themselves, and being in relationship with the healthy feminine. There are men's groups, men's movements, and books for men (like Man Uncivilized by Traver Boehm, or Men's Work by Connor Beaton, or From The Core by John Wineland) that share with them new ideals and principles that foster a balanced notion of equity between masculine and feminine.
There are men with good hearts. Big hearts.
Men who are interested in self-development, who respect themselves and others, and cultivate courage that allows them to do what is right. There are men who have integrity, honor, and authenticity. And, there are men who do not yet have all these things, but are on the path to cultivating them through doing their own personal shadow work.
Unfortunately, there are also a lot of assumptions about men, just as there are a lot of assumptions about women.
The cultural narrative that perpetuates the idea that men should be emotionless, or that they are focused on success at all costs, or that they are just simple creatures who only want sex and control of the remote are unhelpful stereotypes that prevent the feminine from seeing the heart and soul of the masculine men in their lives who are so much more.
Of course, men are different from women.
And, those differences are okay! The differences are what make intimate relationship worthwhile and transformational. When you find the right masculine partner (and, yes, you may need to kiss a lot of frogs!), you recognize it because of his willingness to honor your emotions, heed your intuition, and cherish your needs. It may not come naturally for him. Remember, we are all practicing in this life! Both the masculine and feminine have been at a cultural detriment and haven’t always received proper training for how to express the healthiest aspects of their polarities.
Interestingly, if we look at the ways that young male and female children develop, we realize something fascinating about the opposite sex. Up until the age of 7, children willingly play together in mixed gendered groups. After age 7 or so, they voluntarily segregate themselves. This is a cross-cultural, worldwide phenomenon!
Young girls continue to play in such a way that role-plays social and emotional interactions. Think of dolls, playing house, creating little scenarios that end in upset and make-ups. Whereas young boys diverge and start to play with machines, competitive games, or cops and robbers. Effectively, girls continue to receive play and training in social and emotional interactions, while boys learn to compete and not talk about their problems.
Now suddenly it becomes clear why the men gather for football Sundays and scream at the television, while the women huddle in the next room and catch up on each other’s lives and goings-on. Because the domain of the feminine is intuition and emotion, the masculine learns a lot about healthy emotional engagement and interaction from women. Men who honor and cherish the emotional insights of their beloved feminine partners fare better in relationship overall than those who resist and defend.
The masculine resists change, and defends what they believe is right.
When we understand that core masculine principles are maintaining the status quo and relying on their logic, it is easier to understand men’s resistance to change and criticism. For women, change is inherent in our femininity, and we encourage it often. For men, it is counterintuitive.
For women, feelings and intuition is at the heart of our decisions, where for men that often feels illogical.
Our desire for change often feels like criticism to the masculine, which creates resistance and defense.
Neither is right. Neither is wrong. But, resistance and defense are relationship killers. For the untempered masculine, resistance and defense are the impasse that cannot be crossed into healthy relationship. For the untempered feminine, criticism and contempt are the demise of healthy relationships with the masculine.
When both partners honor the others’ gifts, there is hope for the relationship to thrive. For the masculine, this means that they are open to the intuitive insights of the feminine — even if they believe they are “illogical”. The healthy masculine realizes his own gift of logic and honors the intuitive gift of the feminine. He is willing, under the right circumstances of trust and commitment, to surrender his “rightness” to the intuitive insights of his feminine partner. Surrender for a man is accepting that there might be another way to do things using external resources to help him navigate the path more effectively (it’s not supplication, it’s collaboration).
For the masculine man who loves his feminine partner, his most valuable resource is her intuitive knowing. It guides his actions, decisions, and fuels his desire to help her get her needs met.
The healthy masculine man in relationship is always interested in what he can do to provide or contribute safety, security, the development of trust and deliverance of cherishing for his beloved feminine. He wants to ensure she feels safe and secure in the way she defines, he makes sure she can trust him by always making decisions with her highest good in mind, and he cherishes her feelings and emotions. When we as women communicate clearly our needs to a man, it gives him clear direction in how to help us get those needs met.
However, if our masculine partner is unable or unwilling to listen and meet our needs (as best he can, men are not magicians!), then we have to decide whether to accept that fully, or let him go.
Resentment is not an option.
Listen to your intuition and follow a clear yes or a clear no as to whether masculine partner is capable of stepping up to meet your needs … or not. Healthy masculine men are perpetually interested in providing for the needs of their beloved feminine partner, and willing to make sacrifices when necessary to get them met (think of our incredible soldiers and their commitment to defending freedom).
Masculine men adore feminine women who make time for them, and prioritize them and their relationship. They are attracted to feminine playfulness and joy, and particularly love experiencing that through intimate sexual contact. When the feminine prioritizes other things with her time — like her career for example — it pulls the energy out of the relationship and that is deeply felt by the masculine man. This isn’t to say that the feminine cannot simultaneously hold a career and a successful relationship, but be ready to offer negotiations on this point.
Oftentimes, career women must don the mask of the masculine too harshly and too often to be fully in the feminine enough for their partners. And, while I understand that this sounds like a terribly old-fashioned notion, it is worth inquiring on a soul-level what is most important to you in this phase of your life: chasing career dreams, or following your heart to true love. If the perfect partner presents himself (and, my goodness, I sure hope he does), it may be worth sacrificing some of that career masculinity to give yourself (and your partner) the ability to settle fully into your feminine wiles.
Masculine men are joyfully generous, fiercely protective, and willing to cherish your painful feelings before his own. Feminine women exude painful emotion comfortably, and masculine men confidently accept all of it. They are not “macho men” out of touch with their feelings, in fact, nurturing is one of the foremost qualities of the masculine, and these men offer it to their feminine partners unequivocally and are there to nurture their partners’ pain.
Masculine men cherish their feminine partner’s painful feelings above their own, and never leave their feminine partner alone to deal with them.
This doesn’t mean that men don’t cry! They feel emotions just as we do … and when they do, we must recognize that they are, in that moment, expressing their feminine polarity. It will be most helpful for our beloved partners to slide into the masculine to offer the best resources we have for support, guidance, protection, and connection. That is what anyone expressing the emotional needs of the feminine at any given time most benefits from.
However, if the masculine partner we have chosen slips into the feminine all too often…or permanently, buyer beware. There may have been a masculine cultural mask he donned thinking that’s what he *should* do, but the masculine may actually not be his primary polarity. As your nourishing, feminine ways get slyly pushed further into nurturing and “mothering” your male partner, you are shifting into the masculine role. This is what he may need if his true primary polarity is the feminine. However, if this is not what you need as a truly empowered and embodied feminine woman, then it is time to either have a serious conversation or seek a new mate.
Easiest way to prevent this sleight of hand from happening? Ask this key question early and often in your intimate relationship:
Do you prefer to be respected? Or cherished?
Getting a clear answer to this key question ensures that you are pursuing relationship alchemy with one who has greater potential to walk the journey with you toward creating relationship gold. Because while finding an ideal masculine partner feels like searching for the proverbial unicorn, it is important to know both what is possible and what we want. Perfection is not the bar; what contributes most to your sense of satisfaction is. If the masculine partner you find tickles your feminine fancy, then it is the right person for you.
Let your heart lead the way and your sense of satisfaction be your guide.
#masculineenergy
#healing
#divinefeminineenergy
